Despite spending the last couple of years immersing myself in health, wellness, meditation and mindfulness. I’ve realised I still have awful, mean soundtracks that are on repeat in my mind.
One that I discovered the other day and found particularly interesting is “You’re disgusting”. It makes me feel all “eugh” inside. What a terrible thing to be telling myself all the time!
I’m pretty sure it’s been running in the background for a long time and would point to a reason for often feeling so uncomfortable in my skin.
You’re disgusting – what does it mean? and why do I feel this way?
I find it interesting that it doesn’t manifest in the first person, it is buried in the tone of second person, shifting blame, judging, pointing at me. It is an insult, it is offensive by design. Why? Why do I “feel” this way about myself?
I’m sure it comes from experiences where as a child I wasn’t treated fairly by “friends” at school, I wore glasses, had freckles, was very skinny, didn’t wear the latest fashion… blah blah blah.
I think it is also deeply rooted in an embarrassing experience I had as a 5 or 6 year old; I pooped my pants at my aunties house. I was having a sleep over with my cousins who are about 5+ years older than me. I really needed to go to the toilet, but for some reason I tried to hold it in… clearly I failed.
Whenever I recall this memory I’m mortified. I was a little kid and kids make mistakes (adults make mistakes too), but to me this seemed unforgivable. Whenever I see my aunt and my cousins, I’m reminded of this, the shame, and I wonder if they remember it too. I think that they probably look at me and all they see is that stinky little girl that pooped her pants. It’s not like they shamed me or made a big deal out of it, but I can’t help the feeling of embarrassment when I see them.
Writing about that time I pooped my pants is insanely healing, who would have thought? I have tears in my eyes as I write this. It’s amazing how much of our life experiences become trapped within us. We hang onto these things and create stories about who we are based on things we have/had no control over. It wasn’t my fault I pooped my pants, it just happened. Shit happens! Haha sorry had to throw that in there
I didn’t know what kind of turn this post would take when I started writing it, but it kind of evolved into another poop story… I guess that’s my thing.
My point: Do you think I can succeed and be truly happy, live my passion and be carefree if I have an inner monologue that tells me I’m disgusting, that nobody likes me and I smell?
Listening to yourself and the stories you subconsciously make up about yourself is key in letting go of the things that hold you back from journeying forward through this life and living a life you love. Bravely voyage into the void, know yourself; the dark and the light, so you can heal and really live!
If you have instances where you have some clarity over these thoughts that don’t make you feel good, I suggest trying a little technique called ESR. Emotional Stress Release is a technique I learned while studying Kinesiology. It helps to bring blood flow into the front part of your brain, allowing logical processing and release of stress.
Place the palm of your hand lightly on your forehead, ensuring you’ve covered the little bumps at the “corners” of your forehead. Often you will feel these little bumps pulsating, that’s good. If they aren’t pulsating, don’t worry they soon will. What you want to do is think about the thought you have identified and how it makes you feel, while holding your forehead. Allow any emotion to come up, you may want to cry, laugh or yell – do it! Keep holding your forehead until the pulsating in the bumps becomes synchronised and you feel that you have released the emotion.
ESR is great at calming me in times of stress or when I’m feeling anxious, why not give it a go!?
Today I wish you joy on your journey, may you smile and laugh and do the things that make you feel good. I wish you courage to face the dark parts of life and eternal sunshine to light your way.