12 December 2011
Mr. Awesome pointed out the other day after another awkward trip to the toilet that I tend to not have the best luck in toilets. And you know what? He’s right.
I sat back this morning thinking of any other misfortune I have suffered at the hands of a toilet and I could think of quite a few…
I’m now going to recount the most recent and then I shall tell you of my Japan experience (it’s probably not what you think) as well as one of my earliest memories of another toilet mishap.
So Mr. Awesome and I went to Sushi Train on Saturday night, by the time we got there I was busting for the toilet so I got the key and off I went. I tried it in the girls/disabled toilet with no luck… Behind me was the male/disabled toilet, I didn’t really want to try my luck in there but had no choice, the key worked…
Just as I step in to the well lit rather smelly toilet the light goes out (I’m afraid of the dark and very proud of myself for handling this like an adult) I walked around a bit (without screaming) and found the light switch by the door. Now that the room was well lit I could see that some gross male (I assume) had urinated all over the floor and on the toilet lid… There was no way I was going to be stepping my shoes into the urine so I proceeded to pull paper from the roll and lay it out on the floor covering the urine. What I didn’t know is that I had already stepped in the urine in my hunt for the toilet light… So as I’m trying to mop the urine up with the toilet paper using my shoe clad feet as mop sticks I notice that the paper is sticking to my shoes. I try to get the paper off the bottom of my right shoe by standing my left shoe on it but then it gets stuck to my left shoe so I try to remove it with my right shoe and then it gets stuck on my right shoe, so I try to remove it with my left shoe… This goes on for longer than I’d like to admit, but eventually I get it off. Once I was done with my cleaning duties I could use the toilet… Finally!
I walked back into the restaurant, told Mr. Awesome & this is what has sparked the inspiration for this post.
I went to Japan earlier this year to see Mr. Awesome, he’d been there for 3 months studying (lucky him).
On the train trip from Nagoya to Hida-Takayama I needed to use the toilet, luckily on Japanese trains they have toilets (I don’t know what I would have done, had I been on a Gold Coast Train). Mr. Awesome told me they were just over in the next carriage.
When I got to the toilet I wasn’t sure what to do. There was a sort of elevated platform with a funny shaped hole in it. There was no toilet bowl or seat or anything that resembled what I’m used to back home. So to begin with I squatted over this hole facing the room, however it just didn’t seem right. I had to think about it a bit more, there were hand rails to help… I realised I was facing the wrong way. Once I finally got my shit sorted (no pun intended) I was facing the wall, trying desperately to get my muscles and organs to function under these new conditions (apparently we’re all meant to squat, it’s the natural way to do your business, my body obviously missed this memo). All the while the train was rocking to and fro quite violently, I was worried I would miss the hole and soil my lovely new Dr. Marten boots I’d bought especially for the trip. I hit my head on the wall, my arms were getting sore from trying to hold myself steady whilst maintaining an accurate aim. I was cursing Mr. Not So Awesome for not informing me of the great challenge that lay ahead of me.
However after all my efforts I walked away relieved, but very sore; my head, my arms, all of my lower butt & leg muscles.
When I got back to our seats Mr. Awesome asked what took me so long & why I was so sweaty? I’m pretty sure I replied with an angry glare & then told him of my adventure.
I also remember a time when I was probably about 8 or 9. I was at home in the toilet, just finished my business and pressed the flush button. I was expecting the usual flush, then the cistern refills. But instead the bowl just kept filling and filling and filling until it was eventually up to the brim… I didn’t know what to do, I screamed out to dad “DAD!!! THE TOILET’S OVER FLOWING!! DAD!!??”
Dad races in, assesses the situation and then runs to the backyard breaks the window to the toilet open and sticks the hose down the toilet (we didn’t have a plunger)… The hose flushed the toilets blockage, however there was quite a mess in the toilet due to the rush to save the house from having my waste strewn throughout it. There was water & grass & mud (hopefully mud) sprayed on the walls. Mum wasn’t impressed. However the crisis was averted. Apparently I had put to much toilet paper in the toilet and I was instructed to flush halfway through (that just sounds absurd to me!).
That’s the chronicles of my toilet stories to date… well actually I just had a memory enter my mind, I don’t know how related this is but maybe it’s karma. I once stood up when I was about 1 year old (see figure 1.1) and decided to wee in the blow up pool next to my brother…
– Cass xo –